DISCLAIMER: If you like E.T. The Exterrestrial, sorry. I jest at your expense. Go listen to the Flying Theme and have yourself a good cry. Onward and upward:
This is going to be a little bit of a rant, but whatever. Something I saw or read or thought today reminded me of E.T., you know, the little bastard alien from the Steven Spielberg movie, and since I haven't posted in awhile I figured I'd set the record straight on the subject. E.T. is not cute, loving, adorable, child-friendly, or heroic. He is a huge leeching creep that gives off way too many messed-up sexual undertones. My evidence:
1. He gets left on earth, finds his way to Elliott, and then proceeds to SUCK ELLIOTT'S LIFE AWAY AS A BARGAINING CHIP ONCE HE'S CAUGHT. Seriously, think about it: he puts some kind of fucked-up alien voodoo curse on the little kid so that family/friends will be more motivated to help. Save me, E.T. says, or Elliott is gonna wrinkle up into a dusty prune right next to me. What a manipulative douche. If I was Elliott, as soon as E.T. got better I'd take him into the forest and brain his little nutsack head with a rock. Which brings us to 2. E.T. is some kind of sexual deviant. Okay, yeah, this is never explicitly addressed in the film but the clues are there. His head (as I mentioned mere moments eariler) is shaped like a big, wrinkly scrotum... which is attached to a "neck" that elongates when E.T. gets excited. That's not phallic, or anything. He hides in a closet, a typical behavior of voyeurs. And his "magic finger"? Let's just say that there's a reason Drew Barrymore was so fucked up. You don't start snorting cocaine in grade school unless you're trying to dance and twitch away the feeling that you're being stalked by a giant penis weilding a long, scraggly, glowing molestation device. E.T. got to Drew young, and the result was two stints in rehab before the age of 14. And in a so-called "family" movie. Nice work, you drunk. Which is 3. E.T. is a drunk. I don't think this warrants any additional justification. At least he's a relatively cheap date.
All this probably isn't the little teabag's fault; if your alien race doesn't even care enough about you to make sure you got back on the INTERSTELLAR SPACESHIP I have to think E.T.'s home life was pretty shitty. And Elliott, next time you meet a "friend" from outer space, make sure he doesn't want to suck your life away. Even if he promises in return to make your bike fly.
-Your Fearless President.
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